Killer Klowns from Outwood, Surrey

Please stop misusing the word ‘clown’

With regard to your recent article and headline (Our elders are supposed to be older and wiser. But not these Brexit clowns,, 21 December), I am a prize-winning international musical clown, part of an honourable profession, and am deeply offended by the misuse and misrepresentation of “clown” in connection with parliamentary or other forms of chaotic behaviour.

The constant use of the word “circus” in the press to denote a mess or bad behaviour is also distasteful. Unlike the comparison the press constantly draws, a clown or indeed a circus must be orderly and efficient to work properly. And in the case of a circus, it takes teamwork – which is the opposite of the impression the press gives.

Please could the fourth estate find other words to describe political behaviour.
David Konyot
Tilney St Lawrence, Norfolk

With the greatest of respect to Mr Konyot, I am being very specific in my reference to the current cabinet as clowns. While I would be loth to presume to tell you all about your profession, my impression is that the work of a clown is to present the semblance of chaos and pandemonium with highly trained and practised routine by experienced and disciplined performers. In other words, it’s all an act. That’s what I’m saying. It is not (always) incompetence: it is deliberate and concerted actions designed to provoke a reaction and set certain responses in motion. The question is, are these charlatans truly as incompetent as they appear, or is it a masterful act of deception that would make Keyser Soze proud?

Last time, we catalogued…

  • a Prime Moronster who says a town in England is worth more than the most populated region of Scotland
  • a Clowncellor who said Scotland having any control over its own affairs was “constitutional vandalism”
  • a Home Secretrickster who couldn’t wait to cut Scotland’s funding
  • a Foreign Secretrickster who passionately advocated for full-fiscal autonomy for Scotland before voting against it every chance he got
  • a Brexit Secretrickster who said Scottish people should be disenfranchised following a Yes vote even if they were still part of the UK when a General Election was held,
  • a Clowncellor of the Duchy of Lancaster who seems to resent Scots more than most of his own party
  • a Defense Secretrickster who immediately claimed a No vote as a victory for his party

So who else is there? Doo-doo-doodle-oodle-ood-doo-doo-doo


International Trade Secretrickster Liz Truss

Such wit. Such appreciation. Such respect for the 13 stooges who saved her party’s bacon in 2017.

Another Cabinet Moronster with Scottish ties, Liz Truss went to Primary School in Paisley, where she proudly played Margaret Thatcher in a school play. But let’s not hold that against her – this is the same Liz Truss who…

Health & Social Care Secretrickster Matt Hancock

Because, in the end, the only thing that matters is what Scotland can do for England, isn’t it?

Another also-ran in the most ludicrous contest for the post of Prime Minister in the UK’s history, Matt Hancock….

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a puny 9.7% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • blames the Scottish Government for their “failure” to deliver on broadband when he was the Digital Minister
  • accidentally grouped the Scottish Parliament with “other local authorities” – the term normally used for councils
  • opposes a second EU Referendum because it “risks” a second Scottish Independence referendum
  • thinks allowing non-English MPs to vote on English issues in the UK PARLIAMENT is “unfair
  • thinks that the UK Government “gives” Scotland money
  • thinks that Parliament stopped a No Deal Brexit in March
  • takes great pride in ensuring Union Flags flew at the Edinburgh Festival – which apparently wouldn’t have happened without his involvement
  • thinks flying more Union Flags over Scotland will save the UK
  • plans to strengthen the union by introducing a “Union Delivery Unit” in Number 10 to “ensure that every government department is doing all it can to keep our United Kingdom together”

Environment Secretrickster Theresa Villiers

More infamous for her time as Northern Ireland Secretary (as well as Scotland Secretary, apparently), Theresa Villiers…

Education Secretrickster Gavin Williamson

Pictured: caricature of a UK Politician as seen in a 1949 Blue Book yarn – with the politics to match.

To have one minister sacked from their previous role in your cabinet would be bad enough – but to have two? Especially one who was sacked over leaking sensitive state secrets barely two months ago? Well, Gavin Williamson…

  • voted to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a peculiar 13.3% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • simply walked away from Bernard Ponsonby when asked about English servicemen paying more tax than Scottish servicemen (would love to find video of that)
  • had the brass neck to then accuse the Scottish Government of being “silent” about the issue of taxation on Scottish soldiers
  • thinks the UK Government can make up for decades of deindustrialisation and unemployment by naming a boat after a city

Culture Secretrickster Nicky Morgan

That’s right, another former Cabinet minister sacked by the previous leader who’s found their way back in. While Morgan thinks Scotland has it right in terms of 16 & 17-year-old enfranchisement, on the other hand, she…

  • voted to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum, and to make any attempt for the Scottish people to become independent more difficult
  • supported a palliate 17% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks independence is “a matter for the people of Scotland in a way
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • argues that free schools would be a great idea for Scotland – even after they’ve proven a disaster for England and Sweden
  • utterly misrepresented Scottish university figures for cheap tribal pot-shots
  • thinks that MPs choosing to align themselves with their constituents’ interests is “the whole problem” with the EU debate

Business Secretrickster Andrea Leadsom

Yes, her again. Andrea Leadsom, you may recall…

  • promised to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum (literally one day after she said otherwise)
  • supported a pitiable 9.9% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thought strengthening the union meant dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • considered 55% No vote to be an “overwhelming majority” – but, of course, 62% to Remain is to be ignored, as it’s a “UK vote”
  • lamented that Scotland was “heavily subsidised” by “us poor English,” that the Union “vastly favours” us over the English & Welsh, and that having our own Parliament where we can vote on our own matters is “the most unbelievable perk”
  • lectured the Scottish Affairs Committee about how very generous the UK is in subsidising poor wee stupid Scotland’s renewable energy
  • managed to alienate Scottish farmers by continually referring to “British” agriculture, seeming to forget that agriculture is devolved
  • planned to strengthen the union by introducing an “Office for Strengthening the Union” & having annual “away days” for the Cabinet in Belfast, Edinburgh, and Cardiff

Housing & Communities Secretrickster Robert Jenrick

Wait, I thought Scottish Oil & Gas was in terminal decline?

Who? I’ll tell you who: someone who…

  • voted to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a pallid 13.4% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • toasted the success of Scotland’s Oil and Gas Industry when he was Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury – an industry the rest of his party insists would be a millstone around an independent Scotland’s neck
  • retweeted – and then un-retweeted – a tweet from John Lamont on how the UK Government is delivering for the Scottish borders, for reasons I cannot possibly extrapolate

We have to stop thinking of these people like politicians – like elected representatives who champion their constituents. They are lobbyists, representing only the rich and the powerful, often to the direct exclusion and detriment of the vast majority of people they’re supposed to be looking out for. This isn’t a coup so much as a robbery.

And there are more to come…

There’s cotton candy in their hands
Says a polka-dotted man with a stalk of jacaranda
They’re all diabolical bozos
Oh look around what do you see
tell me what’s become of humanity
from California shores to New York Times Square
Barnum and Bailey everywhere
If you’ve ever wondered why the population’s going down
blame it on the plunder from the likes of the killer klowns…

One thought on “Killer Klowns from Outwood, Surrey

  1. Geraldine Harron says:

    Tons of information, part one and two. Such strong evidence to support everything that is wrong with individuals. Even the Scottish Conservative’s want to disassociate themselves. I believe that this is the last straw in the statement for Scotland: that there will be no elected officials left who believe in the political overseeing of the people of Scotland by Westminster governance.
    I also noted the letter from Mr David Konyot, professional entertainer type of Clown, completely nonplussed and having his say about it. Perfect timing to point out the differences between the real thing and people who SEEM to be Clowning naturally. One type will make us laugh and often the joke is on us, the later…..ooops I see the point Al.

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