Send in the Clowns

Please do not interpret the music choice as a slur on the wonderful Glen Michael or the magnificent Paladin, who would both make better Prime Ministers than any in my lifetime.

Last time on the Clown Cavalcade, we learned about…

  • a International Trade Secretrickster who made her Scottish colleagues the butt of a Jocksploitation joke
  • a Health & Social Care Secretrickster who blamed the Scottish Government for not doing his job
  • a Environment Secretrickster who wants the number of MSPs and MLAs to be reduced
  • a Education Secretrickster who was kicked out of the last cabinet for leaking state secrets two months ago
  • a Culture Secretrickster who wanted to make the ability for Scotland to become independent even more difficult
  • a Business Secretrickster who got a full house on English Myths About Scotland Bingo
  • a Housing & Communities Secretrickster who didn’t get the memo about Scotland’s “declining” Oil & Gas Industry

There’s still more to come. Dare you enter this circus of ciplinarians?

Work & Pensions, Women & Equalities Secretrickster Amber Rudd

He might share my view that if Scotland wants to attract the brightest and the best, as the rest of the country does…
– Amber Rudd, 8th January 2016

Now this is getting ridiculous – another former member of the previous Cabinet being brought back in? After the cataclysmic Windrush scandal? Really? Amber Rudd…

  • voted to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a pretentious 14.6% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • thinks independence is good enough for small businesses, women, and the UK, but not Scotland
  • posted a link about “what local Scots feel” about the Independence Referendum that takes you to From Scotland With Love – a petition signed by residents of England, Wales, & Northern Ireland against “separation”
  • Flippantly remarked about the lack of Gaelic-speaking teachers in Scotland
  • Referred to Scotland as “part of the country” on more than one occasion

Lord Clowncellor & Justice Secretrickster Robert Buckland

A modern justice system for a modern democracy.

Robert Buckland has a lot of background working in Scotland and with Scottish institutions like the Lord Advocate and various Scottish-linked committees. He’s spoken passionately in Parliament, even demanding that his colleagues “show some backbone” and back a deal that works for Scotland, Northern Ireland, and the rest of the United Kingdom. However, words are one thing: what about actions? Mr Buckland…

International Development Secretrickster Alok Sharma

The new International Development High Heid Yin is another MP who campaigned to remain, & is now perfectly happy working in a Cabinet filled with characters determined to leave without a deal. So it goes: Mr Sharma…

  • didn’t bother to vote on the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum (though he did vote against requiring the consent of the Scottish people & Parliament to abolish the Scottish Parliament)
  • supported a paludose 13.3% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • argued that restricting some MPs from voting in certain circumstances based on their constituency was “equally important” to the Smith Commission
  • made a big talk on keeping the Kingdom United, then immediately preyed on anti-Scottish fears for the 2015 General Election
  • expressed surprise that no representative of the Scottish Government met the Debt Management Office at the Treasury since the power to issue bonds was devolved in 2015 – omitted (no doubt by accident, I’m sure) that the UK Government made it costly to the point of useless

Transport Secretrickster Grant Shapps

No Thanks to Brown, Darling, Kennedy, Lamont, Rennie, or any of the Scots of their parties, even though they did all the work while Shapps’ party was languishing in the wilderness. We all know who the senior partner in Better Together is.

Five. Yes. Five.

Grant Shapps…

  • didn’t bother to vote on the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum (though he did vote against requiring the consent of the Scottish Parliament before the UK Parliament could legislate on devolved matters)
  • supported a papuliferous 13.3% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • thanked the Scottish Branch Manager, now former Sectretrickster of State for Scotland, and all the Scottish members of his party for winning the Scottish Independence Referendum – leaving the poor Opposition and Coalition parties out in the cold
  • argued that restricting some MPs from voting in certain circumstances in the UK Parliament based on their constituency was perfectly fine and not at all undermining the entire concept of UK Parliament
  • thinks the English can decide matters that affect only the English in the UK Parliament by themselves (but obviously thinks English MPs can vote on matters that affect only Scots any time they like)
  • made a big talk on keeping the Kingdom United, then immediately preyed on antiScottish fears for the 2015 General Election – and had the sheer brass neck to complain about the Opposition Party’s “southernbashing
  • didn’t acknowledge the new leader of the SNP months after she was elected

Welsh Secretrickster Alun Cairns

I’m sure Mr Cairns will turn his party’s fortunes right around.

Now we come to the Secretricksters of the Nations. First off is the Welsh Secretrickster, who has the dubious honour of being not only one of two Cabinet Ministers to survive the Great Purge of 2019, but also the first to oversee the first poll showing Plaid Cymru leading in Senedd voting intentions. Obviously Welsh readers will be more interested in what Mr Cairns’ appointment means for Wales, but as this is a Scottish site, I hope you’ll forgive me if I focus on his comments and actions on Scotland – he’s certainly poked his nose in our affairs enough. Alun Cairns…

Scottish Secretrickster Alister Jack

I wish I could say I was sorry for David Mundell’s unceremonious defenestration, but… well, no, actually, I don’t.

Honestly, I could do a whole article on this joker, whose appointment at the expense of beloved David “you can’t sack me, I’ll resign!” Mundell is arguably the only thing the people of Scotland will credit the Prime Moronster for. But suffice to say, Alister Jack…

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum, & vows to fight the democratic mandate of the people of Scotland “with all his being
  • supported a paragnostic 20.4% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland – somehow a smaller percentage than votes to devolve further powers to Wales (22.7%) and to Northern Ireland (27%)
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • on the one hand thinks the Scottish Independence Referendum “brought politics alive” in Scotland, yet it was also “divisive” and something the people of Scotland are “sick of
  • lied through his teeth about powers being brought back to the Scottish Parliament
  • claimed that it wasn’t leaving the EU, but the Scottish Independence Referendum – the one that “brought politics alive,” remember – which was a “wrecking ball” to Scotland
  • suggested that leaving the EU without a deal was “sub-optimal,” then upgraded it to “it wouldn’t be seriously damaging,” and finally that it’ll be a good thing and that he doesn’t accept the “scaremongering”…
  • claimed millions in EU funding that his constituents won’t be getting if Scotland leaves the EU without a deal, as he is willing to accept
  • heroically proclaims that will stand up to those who would try to ‘impose unwanted and divisive constitutional change‘ – again, *except for voters in Scotland, for whom leaving the EU is the definition of “unwanted and divisive constitutional change”

Northern Ireland Secretrickster Julian Smith

Just saying, the clowns are in good company across the Red Irish Sea.

The Scottish referendum was always going to be about Scotland until the result was called.
– Julian Smith being refreshingly candid, 18th September 2014

You’d think Stirling-born former Chief Whip Julian Smith would at least be considerate of Scotland’s views. And yet…

Leader of Loons and the Privy Seal Ballooness Evans of Bowes Park

Popping outside the House of Conmen Commons no I think I was right the first time, let’s look at the leader of the House of Loons, the other survivor from the previous Cabinet. The Ballooness Evans…

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • doesn’t seem to have actually voted on whether to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • proposed to enact law to ensure that Northern Ireland cannot be separated from the United Kingdom
  • asserted that “no country that values its independence, and indeed its self-respect, could agree to a treaty which signed away our economic independence and self-government” – *except for viewers in Scotland
  • was concerned that leaving the EU with no deal would “strengthen the hand” of Scottish Independence supporters – though is still (somehow) optimistic that a deal will be made

Party Jester James Cleverly

Don’t really have anything to add to that. What is it about the MPs who were born, grew up, or worked in Scotland who tend to be the least amenable to Scottish democracy? James Cleverly…

 

There are a few other junior roles I could mention – Esther McVey, Robin Walker breezing past 11 Scottish MPs as Under-Sectretrickster of State for Scotland, Jacob Rees-Mogg as Leader of the House of Commons – but I can’t. I just can’t.

So, barring the inevitable reshuffles, resignations, reappointments, and regurgitations, this is the Government of the glorious United Kingdom.

And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find a dark corner somewhere and rock back and forth in the foetal position while playing a little night music.

Don’t you love farce?
My fault, I fear
I thought that you’d want what I want
Sorry, my dear!
But where are the clowns
Send in the clowns
Don’t bother, they’re here

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