Don’t Sleep – The Clowns Will Eat Us All

When Julius Fučík composed Entrance of the Gladiators in 1897, he was no doubt thinking of the blood and thunder spectacle of the ancient Coliseum: mighty warriors from all across the Roman Empire thrust into brutal combat against slaves, beasts, and one another. The Thraex beats his wicked sica against his battered parmula; the Murmillo’s burnished manica glinting in the blazing Italian sun, his face obscured behind the grill of his cassius crista; the Retarius brandishes his mighty trident and man-catcher net. The crowd rocks the walls of the Coliseum with their acclaim for their heroes. The bombast & majesty of the piece made it ideal for ironic juxtaposition for circuses in the early 20th Century – it worked so well that this magnificent fanfare became forever linked to the slapstick & satire of the circus clown.

Of course, in the 20th Century, it’s come full circle – from the music being used to offset the silliness of clowns, nowadays the piece seems best served to ridicule people with rather high opinions of their competence.

In the 19th Century, it was the theme for gladiators.

In the 20th Century, it was the theme for clowns.

In the 21st Century, it’s the theme for politicians.

So what does this troupe have in store for Scotland?

Everyone is surprised at the absolutely, totally, utterly predictable cabinet reshuffle, where the Prime Moronster has defenestrated the previous cabinet almost to a clown, replacing people who would be failures in any other nation’s government with people who arguably shouldn’t be in a job in the first place. Jeremy Hunt? No room for second-place in our cabinet, not when we have perfectly good z-listers. Caroline Nokes? Her callous disregard for human decency was clearly compromised by her brutal cynicism. David Mundell? Not even the sniveling wretch whose pathetic subservience would give Renfield himself pause could backpedal furiously & shamefully enough.

But, just as predictably, the May cabinet has not been revitalised with intelligent, conscientious, determined MPs who know what they’re doing: it has been packed with toadies and collaborators, national disgraces and dangerous idealogues. Quite why anyone imagined anything else is beyond me. “Theresa May’s reign of terror is over: let a whole new reign of terror begin!”

As such, I’m not going to dignify these harlequins with proper job titles: they deserve little more than insulting puns befitting their clownish credentials. You could have argued even the atrocious Theresa May government had some quality in there, but this carnival of crocks? No way.

Starting at the Big Top.

Prime Moronster Boris Johnson

We know plenty about this man – one who is so often compared to the current president of the United States despite being immeasurably more cunning. Boris Johnson is not the fool he so expertly presents himself as. Where Trump is, at best, a dithering puppet for the dark forces using him as a blunt instrument, Johnson is an active participant in this globe-spanning heist. He knows exactly what he’s doing – which is why he is where he is.

We also know his plans for Scotland. The Prime Clownister of the United Kingdom…

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a picayune 15.6% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • approved thissatirical” James Michie poem for publication while he was editor of The Spectator
  • was personally blocked from campaigning in Scotland by his own party’s Scottish Branch Office Manager
  • was the target of a discrediting campaign by his own party in Scotland in order to scupper his leadership bid
  • formulated a planned tax cut for high earners so destructive that even his own party’s Scottish MPs oppose it
  • thinks the UK doesn’t get enough credit for policy decisions in Scotland
  • somehow thinks the Great Campaign, which was literally entirely about Great Britain, wasn’t pro-Union enough
  • perpetuates the myth of a UK “Single Market
  • plans to strengthen the union by appointing a “dedicated point person” to ensure that all UK Government policy promotes the union
  • thinks a pound spent in an 86 square kilometre town in England with a population of 170,000 is worth more to the UK as a whole than a pound spent in a 5,300 square kilometre region in Scotland with a population of 2.5 million
  • is confident that a £300 million bung is enough to convince Scots to stick with a UK that could cost Scotland £14 billion a year

Clowncellor Sajid Javid

Talk about landing on your feet: Sajid Javid was the first to emphatically reject the Scottish Parliament & Scottish People’s clear mandate for a second independence referendum in the exact circumstances we found ourselves in three years ago, and it’s doubtful he will be any more accommodating in his influential new role.

After all, Sajid Javid…

Home Secretrickster Priti Patel

I’m certain the 13 Scottish UK Government MPs are quite happy with being disenfranchised for the sake of their Imperial Masters.

The appointment of Priti Patel to any position of power in 2019 is an affront to what’s left of the United Kingdom’s tattered dignity. You would think that an International Development Secretary who had secret, unauthorised meetings with another country’s government would be kicked out of Parliament, let alone the Cabinet – yet here she is, breaker of Ministerial Code, wrecker of international cooperation, promoter of death & destruction, expelled from her previous post in disgrace, back in the Cabinet in barely two years.

As bad as she clearly is for the UK, she’s clearly going to be no better for Scotland, for she…

  • voted to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a priti-ful (I regret nothing) 9.7% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland (which is half the percentage she deems worthy for Wales, and barely a third the percentage she granted for Northern Ireland)
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • expressed shock and surprise that a party founded to pursue Scottish Independence actually supports Scottish Independence
  • didn’t realise employment rights are a reserved issue when she was the UK Employment Minister
  • thought the debate around the Scottish Independence Referendum was a good opportunity for the UK Government to cut funding for Scotland
  • thinks the best way to negotiate with former members of the United Kingdom is to starve them until they do what they’re told

Foreign Secretrickster Dominic Raab

“No democratic nation has ever signed up to be bound by such an extensive regime, imposed internally without any democratic control over the laws to be applied, nor the ability to decide to exit the arrangement.” *except for readers in Scotland

That’s right, the guy who – among other things – seemed surprised to learn that much of an ISLAND’S trade is conducted using boats. As we all know, Dominic Raab…

Brexit Secretrickster Stephen Barclay

Maximum one meme per article, I promise!

Quite why Stephen Barclay still has this job is a mystery, until you remember the other jokers in this parody of a Cabinet. Stephen Barclay, naturally…

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a preposterous 10.9% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • thinks Scotland even staying in the Single Market is too far
  • interprets Scotland’s vote to stay in the UK as meaning Scotland will shut up and do as it’s told even when the majority of voters & their elected representatives disagree with the UK Government
  • voted that if Scotland voted Yes in 2014, Scots should have been immediately disenfranchised from the 2015 UK General Election even if we were still part of the United Kingdom at that point
  • thinks that failing to take the UK out of the EU would be “a threat to the union
  • claimed in the UK Parliament that Whitehall is “more prepared” for leaving the EU than the devolved administrations
  • lied about SNP MPs sleeping during his speech (not that I’d blame them)
  • thinks it’s right for MPs to vote more than once on the same thing “when the circumstances have changed” yet neither the people of Scotland nor the UK as a whole should

Clownncellor of the Duchy of Lancaster Michael Gove

I’m sure Mr “Scots in London are drunken unattractive beggars” is just happy to have some role, even if it’s an ultimately meaningless & frankly embarassing anachronism… or, at least, it was. There’s been an interesting edit to the key responsibilities page.

In 2015, it was basically a small one-day-a-week role functioning as a landlord:

Before July 2014, this role was covered by the Leader of the House of Lords and Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

In 2019, there have been a few additions:

  • advising the PM on developing and implementing government policy
  • driving forward government business and implementation including chairing and deputy chairing Cabinet
  • committees and implementation taskforces
  • overseeing devolution consequences of EU exit
  • overseeing constitutional affairs and maintaining the integrity of the Union
  • oversight of all CO policies

That’s quite an increase in workload – and it doesn’t seem a mistake to notice that Gove, being simultaneously proud and ashamed of his Scottish roots like any Proud Scot But, is appointed to a role regarding “devolution consequences of EU exit” and “maintaining the integrity of the union.” This, of course, is entirely in keeping with Gove’s prior record, here he…

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
  • supported a paltry 20.9% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • went further and actually said that “the idea that what Scotland wants now is another expensive, divisive, investment-freezing, prosperity-draining, uncertainty generating, family-separating, acrimony escalating referendum is politically reckless, democratically insulting and just plain wrong”
  • failed the last leadership election with a betrayal so brutal he managed to knock himself out of the race
  • plans to strengthen the union by taking “everything it took” to ensure the UK Government was “a visible, proactive, force for good in every part of our United Kingdom
  • characterised his fellow countryfolk as “drunks,” “beggars,” and “unattractive” during his time as a journalist

Defense Secretrickster Ben Wallace

Whatever the parties of Kier Hardie and Charles Kennedy had in mind, this is what the establishment think of the 18th of September 2014.

The former Scots Guardsman & Sandhurst alumnus had a stint as MSP for North East Scotland before heading south to Lancashire in 2005. And by golly, his British credentials are strong indeed, for he…

Is a gigantic hypocrite. But he also

  • promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum for a generation or “the rest of this lifetime
  • supported a puerile 19.4% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
  • thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
  • credits the Queen with getting him on the list for the Scottish Parliament
  • counts votes of all unionist parties as support for his party (which, at the time, had 17% of the Scottish vote)
  • thinks England should get NHS spending before Scotland, & that England should not come second (while, of course, having the audacity to reject playing Scotland against England as “childish bollocks that breaks the spirit of the Union” – I guess it’s bad when other people do it)
  • said on the day of the Scottish Independence referendum that Devomax – which was implicitly promised in the aftermath of a No vote – was “no substitute” for the positive case for Britain
  • interpreted the Scottish Independence referendum result as a mandate againstending Tory rule forever
  • dared to pretend that the violence in George Square was somehow both sides’ fault
  • claimed that English Votes for English Laws is totally fair, as devolution “created 2 classes of MP. MP’s frm England who can’t vote on issues in Scotland & those frm Scotland who can vote on issues in England
  • simultaneously claimed that the only way Labour could survive is ruling out a deal with the SNP, while also blaming them for linking Westminster with his own allegedly toxic party
  • called the Scottish Independence referendum “tragic” & filled with “deep division, anger & nastiness” – quite different from what his party leader said immediately following the vote
  • thought it “shameful” that the Scottish Government criticised the language in the UK Government’s anti-terrorism program
  • responded to being caught lying by calling his accuser names

The UK Secretary of Defense is the 10-year-old bully from every ’90s Nickelodeon cartoon.

That’s just the first seven in our cavalcade of clowns.

Sometimes I wonder why I do it. The Devo Files absolutely wrenched my soul to write, because I couldn’t stand reading about all the people supposedly representing Scotland’s interests who failed time and time again to do anything of the sort. Then writing about the new UK Government MPs tore my spirit to pieces as I saw these modern-day robber barons ingratiating themselves into positions to make themselves richer at the cost of their constituents. So you can imagine how I feel at this collection of calumniators having any sort of control over our nation. Yet I do. I have to.

Because if we don’t get our act together, these clowns will eat us all.


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