Whoever Wins, We Lose

I could actually weep for some of the people in our country:

I genuinely don’t understand the logic of anyone whose view of Scottish independence is affected by who is or might be Prime Minister, or which party is in government. It very much suggests they haven’t understood the question.
– Some Numpty On Twitter Who Already Gets Too Much Attention

It is everything to do with the question – because “who is or might be Prime Minister/party of government” is never our choice. It is the choice of England, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Scotland together. One of those countries outnumbers the others 8 to 1.

More than that, it isn’t just who is Prime Minister now, or who may be Prime Minister in the future – it’s every single Prime Minister in my 35 years of existence on this planet.

My first Prime Minister was so beloved of my fellow Scots that the Number 1 song in Scotland on the week of her death was “Ding-Dong The Witch Is Dead.” My second Prime Minister (even if he is, in retrospect, far and away the best in my lifetime) led the UK to financial disaster and aggravated the forces which led the UK to where it is now through his sheer incompetence. My third Prime Minister is a war criminal who conspired to steal Scotland’s resources. My fourth Prime Minister sold even more of Scotland’s resources to mitigate his cataclysmic mishandling of another financial crisis. My fifth Prime Minister, who cannot be mentioned in the same breath as pigs in polite company, presided over cruelties, scandals, and catastrophes that would give my first Prime Minister pause. My sixth Prime Minister has become a punchline.

Six Prime Ministers in my lifetime, and arguments can be – and have been – made for each of those six being the Worst Ever.

At least until Seven.

So who will that be?

(Preface: I spent a week working on this post, but Firefox decided I didn’t really need to save any of my drafts when updating. After tearing my hair out for a bit, I decided to just do it again, even though three pretenders contenders have now been eliminated for the race)

At least we now know it won’t be Mark Harper, who:

• promised to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
• supported a pitiful 8.5% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
• thought strengthening the union meant dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
• was the unrepentant architect of Theresa May’s infamous “Go Home” vans
• insisted that his party “will keep our promises to Scotland” before breaking every single one
• thought the only reason 16 & 17-year-olds got to vote in the independence referendum was because they would vote Yes
• perpetuates the English Subsidy Myth
• pretended the 2017 UK General Election “strengthened” the UK by returning the SNP’s second best result in history
• doesn’t seem to realise immigration is reserved
• planned to strengthen the union by ensuring ” that Scottish and Welsh voices are heard through a dedicated devolved contingent in the Number 10 machinery to ensure we do a better job in demonstrating how UK Government resources are spent rather than having them portrayed as Nicola Sturgeon or Mark Drakeford dishing out their own cash“

Nor will it be Andrea Leadsom, who:

• promised to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum (literally one day after she said otherwise)
• supported a pitiable 9.9% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
• thought strengthening the union meant dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
• planned to strengthen the union by introducing an “Office for Strengthening the Union” & having annual “away days” for the Cabinet in Belfast, Edinburgh, and Cardiff

Expiration date: 24 hours later.

Lastly (thankfully) it will not be Esther McVey, who:

• promised to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum
• supported a piteous 11.3% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland
• thought strengthening the union meant dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will
• criticised the SNP’s pro-EU stance by pretending the UK and the EU are not two completely different things
• planned to strengthen the union by denying the Scottish people’s democratic mandate & referring to the democratically elected Scottish Government as “separatists”

“I can pretend to be a bubbly happy cheerful personality for tax purposes, but being polite to Esther McVey is TOO MUCH”

Seven remain in the race for the seventh Prime Minister in my lifetime.

Will it be Michael Gove, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a paltry 20.9% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• went further and actually said that “the idea that what Scotland wants now is another expensive, divisive, investment-freezing, prosperity-draining, uncertainty generating, family-separating, acrimony escalating referendum is politically reckless, democratically insulting and just plain wrong”?
• failed the last leadership election with a betrayal so brutal he managed to knock himself out of the race?
• plans to strengthen the union by taking “everything it took” to ensure the UK Government was “a visible, proactive, force for good in every part of our United Kingdom”
• characterised his fellow countryfolk as “drunks,” “beggars,” and “unattractive” during his time as a journalist?

Will it be Matt Hancock, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a puny 9.7% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• opposes a second EU Referendum because it “risks” a second Scottish Independence referendum?
• thinks that Parliament stopped a No Deal Brexit in March?
• takes great pride in ensuring Union Flags flew at the Edinburgh Festival – which apparently wouldn’t have happened without his involvement?
• thinks flying more Union Flags over Scotland will save the UK?
• plans to strengthen the union by introducing a “Union Delivery Unit” in Number 10 to “ensure that every government department is doing all it can to keep our United Kingdom together”?

Will it be Jeremy Hunt, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a poor 26.9% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• lied repeatedly about NHS funding as Health Secretary?
• says that a club that won’t let its members leave will increase that desire to leave (except, presumably, when the club is the UK?
• insists Scots that do want another referendum that they actually don’t want another independence referendum even after his own party got absolutely defenestrated after making that their entire campaign focus?
• plans to strengthen the union by… thinking about it?
• thinks the best Scottish town to invoke the memory of the Precious Union is Culloden?

Will it be Sajid Javid, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a piddling 13.3% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• seems to be perfectly fine with his ancestral homeland becoming independent from the UK, but not Scotland?
• has Ruth Davidson’s support, but none of their party’s Scottish MPs (who, Ms Davidson assured us, would “vote as a block” to protect Scotland’s interests?)
• seems to think Ruth Davidson led their party to victory in Scotland?
• plans to strengthen the union by starting a campaign promoting Britain’s shared values & history, appointing a Minister in every department responsible for ensuring “all policies consider how they can strengthen the union,” reducing funding to Holyrood in favour of local authorities, & moving some institutions outside London?

Will it be Boris Johnson, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a picayune 15.6% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• approved this “satirical” James Michie poem for publication while he was editor of The Spectator?
• was personally blocked from campaigning in Scotland by his own party’s Scottish Branch Office Manager?
• was the target of a discrediting campaign by his own party in Scotland in order to scupper his leadership bid?
• formulated a planned tax cut for high earners so destructive that even his own party’s Scottish MPs oppose it?
• thinks the UK doesn’t get enough credit for policy decisions in Scotland?
• somehow thinks the Great Campaign, which was literally entirely about Great Britain, wasn’t pro-Union enough?
• perpetuates the myth of a UK “Single Market“?
• plans to strengthen the union by appointing a “dedicated point person” to ensure that all UK Government policy promotes the union?
• thinks a pound spent in an 86 square kilometre town in England with a population of 170,000 is worth more to the UK as a whole than a pound spent in a 5,300 square kilometre region in Scotland with a population of 2.5 million?

Will it be Dominic Raab, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a petty 9.7% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• even after he himself argued for Devo-max and “full-fiscal autonomy,” describing it as “well beyond what was promised” in the infamous Vow?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• regularly advocated questioning, reviewing, restricting, reducing, or outright scrapping the Barnett Formula?
• plans to strengthen the union by “ending the “Devolve and Forget” attitude” with a “stronger UK Government presence on the ground” and “we should fly the Union Jack alongside the Saltire” (which the UK is apparently not doing already)?
• said – with a straight face – that “there is a sense that parts of the Union may have been shut out of the debate, because we did not want to prejudice or interfere in the referendum campaign or to allow points made during it to be twisted or manipulated” literally days after he did exactly that?

Will it be Rory Stewart, who:

• promises to deny the Scottish people’s democratic mandate for an independence referendum?
• supported a pathetic 15.8% of votes to devolve further powers to Scotland?
• Even after he himself said that “Devolution max will be delivered without any questions?
• seems to think the earliest another Scottish Independence referendum should take place is 2034?
• thinks strengthening the union means dragging Scotland out of the EU against our will?
• alleges that Scotland and England would not exist if it wasn’t for the Romans?
• plans to strengthen the union by introducing a “National Citizen Service” – where 16 and 17-year-olds will be moved out of their homes to another country within the UK in the interests of fostering some sense of Britishness?

I could weep for some of my fellow countryfolk. And I could weep – not a genteel whimper or single manly tear, but an ugly, hacking, phlegmatic rasp of utter despair – because anyone who could look at this sorry, sordid, slithering collection of sneaks, and think “aye, but independence would be worse” has surely taken leave of their senses.

Look at them. Look at them. You think we Scots cannot do better than this worthless collection? You think we should resign ourselves to being represented on a world stage by the least deserving pool of potential Prime Ministers in the history of the United Kingdom? You think this is the best we as a people can hope to lead us? I certainly think otherwise.

Yet still, folk will fear exactly that: we can’t do better. But just because you think you can’t do any better doesn’t mean you get to decide that nobody can. Just because you’re scared you cannae dae it doesn’t give you the right to prevent others from trying – others who might succeed. I’m sick of watching our people suffer and die while these clowns strut about with their puffed chests and inflated egoes, under the illusion that a single one of them is worthy of leading a country of millions.

Whoever wins this race, we – the people of Scotland – will lose. And sometimes, the only winning move… is not to play.